I’m not that guy

You know the guy I’m talking about. When he’s in the grocery store, he’s in a fucking crisis. He can’t figure out which brand of toilet paper to buy so he’s on the phone asking his brain what to buy. Or if he’s at the takeout restaurant, he’s asking her whether to buy the rib tips or the baby back ribs. If if it’s me and the phone rings in that situation, the call is going to voicemail. Why? Because it takes me about 3 seconds to make those decisions. This is America, you can’t be worrying what’s going to happen with your deodorant. We’re fixing to blow up the damned world. Are you going to have a serious discussion about what brand of salsa to buy? No, if the shit burned out your mouth last time, get a different brand and move on. Don’t be that guy. Hang up the damned phone.


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