Not today, Satan


I was just thinking about the times when my family and I have been forced to say the most meaningful words anyone could ever say: not today, Satan.

  • In 1963, we were loading up the cars to go bury my hated stepfather, who we had previously made a deal with Satan to take with him. We felt terrible because we had invited Satan to help us in our time of need only to realize there was not enough room for him to ride. And so we had to say, ‘not today, Satan.”
  • In 1967, when OJ Simpson was a star running back for the University of Southern California, Satan was bearing down on him. As long-suffering fans of the Buffalo Bills, we knew Simpson would be the savior of the franchise. We told Satan to get behind us so that Simpson could score one more touchdown against UCLA. “Not today, Satan , we roared. As you may know, Simpson recently converted to Islam, which made Satan very happy.
  • In the 1980s when Nintendo was first coming onto the market I stood in line with my mother and my older sister to try to get Satan the one thing he wanted to Christmas but alas, they were sold out at Sears and we tearfully told him, “not today, Satan.”Satan got his revenge on Sears and later became the CEO, bringing the company to near ruin. We can all give thanks to him for their corporate strategies.

We’ve all tried to be good Christians but we were not fanatical about it so we were able to accommodate Satan in some small ways, per our bargain, which he automatically renews. Even in the more dire circumstances, we found we could say, not today, Satan, there’s no room for you in the car.

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